It’s December, and that means Christmas movies! They make the perfect background noise because most are predictable and terribly cliché (I’m looking at you, Hallmark!).
I’m currently at home isolating with COVID, so buckle up; time to explain every Christmas movie.
Every movie has two protagonists who will spend one-and-a-half hours doing a “will they or won’t they” dance (spoiler alert: they will, and they are the last people to find out).
The future couple typically consists of a white woman and a white man, where the woman is no older than the man.
(Note to movie makers: boring and exclusive!)
The male protagonist will be portrayed as sweet and innocent, so he’s either a workaholic, widow, shy, or hurt from a previous relationship.
At least one of the two protagonists will have a loving family floating around them, and they are usually living near or with the protagonist.
The other protagonist may be alone, surrounded by a best friend or colleague instead, or a smaller family. It’s not uncommon that at least one of their parents is deceased.
The protagonists may start in a big city or office setting, but most of the movie will be in a quaint location.
Possible options could be, but are not limited to:
- A big family home
- An inn or bookshop
- A remote cabin
- A ski resort
- A small village
There will be copious amounts of holiday decorations; these people must have extensive attics.
Have you ever heard of the monomyth? Romantic movies are just like that. Here’s the simple version of most Christmas movies:
- Intro shows both protagonists living their life, not in the mood for romance.
- Scene where protagonists bump into each other. There will either be instant unresolved sexual tension, or they will dislike each other.
- After a small conversation, the protagonists do not intend to socially meet each other again.
- The protagonists meet each other socially. Usually, one needs a favor from the other or hires them.
- Protagonists fall slowly and madly in love.
- Both protagonists have life events that could lead them to go their way after Christmas. They will not communicate properly.
- One accidentally finds out the other is leaving, will be upset, and decide to go as well.
- The other has secretly given up on their plan to leave because they’re in love, but due to lack of communication, they will think the other is leaving.
- Hurt feelings ensue. Then a fight. All supported by sad music, of course.
- One of the protagonists leaves or is about to leave.
- The supporting cast pushes the protagonists to confess their feelings finally.
- If one of the protagonists had left earlier, they will return unexpectedly.
- The protagonists finally confess their love to each other, and they will kiss.
- Final scene, a flash-forward to either a cliché romantic scene in a horse-drawn sled, Christmas party, wedding, or pregnancy. They will do this even if it means sacrificing significant work opportunities or moving to a small village.
Christmas (and fall, winter) movies are mostly repetitive down to their all-white, straight, and abled cast. It makes them nice and simple entertainment.
Turn off your brain and ignore all the plot holes, issues easily fixable by communication, and extreme life changes in two weeks. We know that no self-respecting woman will uproot her life and career for a guy she met two weeks ago, but just roll with it.
And yes, this was a COVID-driven shitpost.